ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
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I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
True statement👍😏😁
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs