[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
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Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Poetry is my passion
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)