My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
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[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Go hard or stay average
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.