I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
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Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
President The Rock Obama
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
That’s easy for you to say
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!