As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
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*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.