Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
You Might Also Like
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
and now we wait
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?