Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
You Might Also Like
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
#parenting
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)