I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
You Might Also Like
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
I’m literally crying
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
the battle rages on
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license