me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
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M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
inventing words: clothing