Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
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I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I know karate and tons of other words.
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
broke down and did it
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.