*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
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this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Ain’t no way
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.