How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
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how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
I have 3 full closets of nothing to wear.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.