Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
You Might Also Like
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”