I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
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*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
damn he’s good
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.