Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
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Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution