Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
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I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
TRAIN’S HERE
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Name this drama.
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
S M O L