Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?