Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
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Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
volunteer in charge: we are gonna walk around and search for clues about the missing girl.
guy who just bought a new fly fishing rod: we should check the lake first
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry