I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
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Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Girl, same.
Stop it! 😂
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that