“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
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Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table