[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
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dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
#Caturday
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect