Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
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fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.