‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
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I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Brilliant!
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.