Breaking news:
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time