oh you like architecture? name three walls
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Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Respect
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?