Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
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[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?