Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
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I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
nobody’s gonna understand
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.