reminder
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why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Every damn time
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.