“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
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I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.