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I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Who needs Google when you鈥檝e got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Cheer up.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he鈥檚 actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It鈥檚 like they are speaking cursive.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Perfect
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww