Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
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My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
(2022)
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”