MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
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Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.