It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
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Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?