It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
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Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
It’s an epidemic…
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.