25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
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Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.