If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
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There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
oh my god
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
My Sentiments Exactly