As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
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“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
One time someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.