You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
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Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.