Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
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*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”