No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
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Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
You sure about that?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.