What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
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[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
how much for the angry fruit?
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?