When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
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Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?
-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I finally found a reason to live again.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.