[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
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[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.