If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
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Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.