my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
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Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
you gotta be faster
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.