Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
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beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.