When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
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Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.