My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
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I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
I bet birds love this building.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.