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Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then weβll be even.
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
Iβm afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Itβs amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
I didnβt realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I donβt understand people who donβt have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when youβre late.
I have never βlit up a roomβ unless you count arson.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Iβm so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. Thatβll do, brain. Thatβll do.
Yβall I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now Iβm DYING
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asapβ¦.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
A saltwater crocodileβs bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*