Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
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Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
The 6 types of sex
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.